Rant Ahead
The weight of big dreams
I have always been a big dreamer.
Even when I was at home and I didn't know whether I would ever make it out of poverty, I would dream BIG.
I didn't know how.
I didn't have a plan.
I didn't have the resources.
Sometimes I didn't even know what the first step was.
But I dreamt anyway.
And honestly, those dreams kept me going.
There was something about being able to imagine a life that looked different from the one I was living that made me believe that maybe, just maybe, there was more waiting for me.
And now I'm in my late twenties, and something has changed.
I still have big dreams.
Actually, I think my dreams are even bigger now because I finally have some of the resources, knowledge and skills that I didn't have when I was younger. I can actually look at some of the things I've been dreaming about and say, wait... I could genuinely try to make this happen.
I have the tools now.
I have the knowledge.
I have the skills.
I have ideas.
I have experience.
So what's stopping me?
Fear.
😂
A very specific, very loud kind of fear.
What if it doesn't work out?
What if I become a failure?
What if I'm dreaming too big?
Do you actually think you're capable of pulling this off?
Why do you think YOU can do this?
What makes you so special?
Who told you that you could do all of this?
And those questions can get REALLY loud.
Sometimes I look at my own dreams and they scare me.
Not because I don't want them.
Because I want them SO badly.
And I think that's what makes them so heavy.
It's one thing to dream when you have nothing to lose.
It's another thing to dream when you finally have something to work with.
Because now there is a possibility that you could actually fail.
And what if I do?
What if I put years into something and it doesn't work?
What if I try and it goes nowhere?
What if I embarrass myself?
What if people look at me and think, see? She was dreaming too big.
What if I become the person who had all these big ideas and never managed to make any of them happen?
Those thoughts can be crippling.
And the annoying thing is that I KNOW better.
I know that failure is part of life.
I know that nobody gets everything right the first time.
I know that dreams change.
I know that sometimes you start something and realise it isn't actually what you wanted.
I know that success isn't a straight line.
I KNOW all of this.
But knowing something intellectually and actually believing it when you're terrified are two very different things.
So I battle with this every day.
I battle with the part of me that wants to dream bigger and the part of me that wants to protect me from disappointment.
One part says, GO FOR IT!
The other says, okay, but what if you fail?
One part says, look at everything you've already done.
The other says, okay, but what makes you think you can do THIS?
And sometimes I don't have an answer.
Sometimes I genuinely don't know why I think I can.
Maybe it's because the girl who once dreamed about simply making it out of poverty is still somewhere inside me.
Maybe she doesn't need to know HOW.
Maybe she just needs to believe that there is a way.
Because that's what she did back then.
She dreamed before she had proof.
She believed before she had resources.
She imagined a different life before she had any evidence that it would happen.
And maybe that's what dreaming is.
You don't always get proof before you start.
Sometimes you start with nothing but an idea and the audacity to believe that you might be able to figure the rest out along the way. 😂
I think I am learning to give myself permission to dream without immediately demanding evidence that the dream will work.
I can try.
I can fail.
I can adjust.
I can start again.
I can change direction.
I can learn something new.
And none of those things make the original dream stupid.
I don't need to know exactly how everything will turn out.
I just need to be willing to find out.
But damn...
The weight of big dreams is HEAVY.
Especially when you know that you actually have a chance of making them real.
Maybe that's the scary part.
Not that I'm dreaming too big.
But that for the first time in my life, some of these dreams don't feel impossible anymore.
And now I have to be brave enough to actually chase them.
Do you have a dream that scares you a little because you actually believe you could make it happen?
🎵 The song stuck in my head while writing this one: Wee Gee — "Hold On (To Your Dreams)"