Rant Ahead
The thick of a low moment
I think there's a specific kind of discouragement that comes with job hunting. It's not that I didn't get the job. It's the planning that goes into it, the imagining, the little conversations you have with yourself before anything ever happens. And this was me with this particular job.
I had full-blown panic attacks before the interview. I was nervous, overthinking things, overthinking some more, and before all of this, I probably rehearsed the answers in my head a hundred times. And then the interview eventually came and went well. I finished the interview and I was honestly proud of myself. During the interview, she sounded promising. You know, we were speaking logistics, the number of interviews that were to come, salary. Everything felt like it was aligning. I was suddenly thinking and imagining myself, my goodness, I might actually get my first big girl job!
And I didn't just imagine getting the job. I was already imagining my life around the job. I saw myself going to the gym after work, conversing with my colleagues, already thinking about how I would handle work conflicts, you know? I was even planning my commute from Sunnyside to Johannesburg. I was excited! I was ready! I had already mentally moved into this new chapter of my life.
And then the excitement was just STEAMED when Friday came.
There was no reply.
She said she would reply to me on Friday, and Friday came. There was no reply. I waited. Monday came, still no reply. So by now I'm panicking. Oh my goodness, what's going on? Did something happen? Did I misunderstand something? Is everything okay?
I decided to wait a bit because I didn't want to seem desperate. So Thursday comes and I send a follow-up message.
And guess what?
She ghosts me.
I was baffled. I genuinely didn't understand what was going on. Now I was questioning myself. Was it because of something I said? Was it because I didn't have enough experience? Was it because I needed to commute? Was there something I missed? Did I somehow mess up the interview without realising it?
I had a lot of questions that I had absolutely no answers to.
And honestly, this is the part of job hunting that I think people don't talk about enough.
The waking up, searching for vacancies, adjusting your CV, writing cover letters, answering assessments, preparing for interviews, the back and forth, the follow-ups, practicing questionnaires, researching companies, preparing yourself mentally just to put yourself out there AGAIN.
Oh, it's a lot.
Job hunting is a job itself, except it's not a job that pays.
It's a job that chips away at your sense of value. It chips away at your confidence. It chips away at your mental health. It takes your time and doesn't bring it back. And then you are left wallowing in what ifs, or why not, or why me.
And when you have been doing it for long enough, you start questioning yourself in ways that have nothing to do with the actual job anymore. You start wondering if you're good enough. If your degree is enough. If your skills are enough. If your experience is enough. If there is something about you that employers are seeing that you aren't.
And that is a really shitty place to be.
But then, thank God for my brain.
Because even in the thick of that low moment, my brain reminded me that my value is not tied to a job.
I have an excellent brain. I can learn. I can adapt. I can think. I can create. I can use what I already have to make myself more valuable. I can figure things out. I can find other ways to survive a difficult season.
And maybe that's what I needed to remember in that moment.
Getting ghosted by one company doesn't suddenly erase everything I have worked for. It doesn't erase my degree. It doesn't erase the skills I've learned. It doesn't erase the things I am currently building. It doesn't make me less intelligent, less capable or less valuable.
It just means that this particular opportunity didn't work out.
And honestly, I still don't know WHY.
Maybe I'll never know.
And I think I'm learning to be okay with not having an explanation for everything.
Anyway, to anyone who is going through this phase in their lives, you are not alone.
We are a lot.
We are ALL feeling it.
There are so many of us waking up every morning and opening LinkedIn, Indeed, PNet, company websites and whatever other job board we can think of, hoping that today will finally be the day.
Today will be the day someone says yes.
Today will be the day someone sees what we can offer.
Today will be the day we finally get to stop applying and actually START working.
It's exhausting.
It's frustrating.
And sometimes it is really, really lonely.
It's not the devil's work, but there's definitely a flaw in the system. 😂
So if you're in the thick of a low moment because you're tired of applying, tired of being rejected, tired of being ghosted, tired of wondering what you're doing wrong...
Same.
You are not the only one.
Keep your brain dusted off. Keep learning. Keep thinking. Keep figuring things out.
And most importantly, don't let a job convince you that you are worth less than you actually are.